I wish something would happen that would make today really different.
Hey, can you sign for this?
Not if it's another subpoena.
No. It says here it's an asteroid smasher! high-definition television.
HDTV? Are you kidding me?
- No. - Hell, yeah. I'll sign for it.
Right by where it says "Spacelab," please.
Spacelab?
- This is Spacelab, right? - Oh, yeah. Totally.
- There go some space fish right now. - Well, I'll be dipped.
Okay. Thanks, Mr. Space Stormy.
Hey, you bet.
- Out of the way, Sparks! - We can't see the TV.
And I don't wanna miss one crazy minute of Sabado Muy Loco!
Well, we're not watching it on this piece of crap.
- What the hell. The TV blew up. - Jesus.
Oh, I appreciate you letting me do that.
Hey, you bet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ASHDTV.
- Holy crap! - Oh, my God.
This is my kind of TV.
Welcome to the future.
Sabado Muy Loco!
Wow, that's a sharp picture.
Did I tell you or did I tell you?
Marco, what's Don Gordissimo saying?
I don't know. It's in Spanish.
Hey, has anyone seen--? Where did that come from?
I bought it.
How could you afford it?
Selling pot.
That's it. Just selling pot.
And who says crime don't pay?
Batman.
Well, don't stay up all night watching it.
He is such a flaming tight-ass.
I got off the space phone with OPS...
...and they said it was signed for by Space Stormy.
Why would I sign for something I didn't even get?
Why do you 99 percent of the stupid **** you do?
Exactly.
Well, somebody's got our ASHDTV, and unless we find it...
...Earth will be destroyed by that giant asteroid.
Meanwhile, back at Sealab.
Tonight on Dr. Phrill...
...meet 12-year-old Tiffany, who suffers from nature's cruelest joke...
...progeria.
So we gave her a makeover.
1 feel pretty.
- Pretty damn old-looking. - Change it.
Show me flexible sigmoidoscope.
- Delicious. - Finally...
...some animated programming for my demographic.
If we refinance at 5.5, which is totally doable...
...our monthly payment's gonna go down considerably.
- Sucking it. - Hi, everybody!
Why did you do that?
Hey, kid. Tilt and pinch.
It's Ordnance!
If the bleeding doesn't stop in 5 minutes...
...try rubbing your eyes with a pickle.
Today, I am a reverse wolverine!
Take that, you dirty Nazi.
Wolverine!
No, she wouldn't want to go on like this.
Let's remove the feeding tube.
And replace it with some zesty onion wings from Grizzlebee's!
Cowabunga!
Grizzlebee's. Coma victims love it!
You know, she does look happier.
Amazing. I can't believe we ever watched crappy old regular TV.
I know, right?
- I am so the man. - Ialmost wanna mount you.
I'll mount him if somebody else goes for popcorn.
Hey, hey. Y'all ever had whopcorn?
That's popcorn with chocolate-covered malted milk balls all mixed up in it.
That sounds awesome.
Well, then, get ready to step up to flavor.
Milk balls. Milk balls. Where's those damn milk balls?
Sealab, come in. This is Spacelab.
Hey, what you know, spaceman?
Listen, did you idiots get an ASHDTV delivered to you by mistake?
The Asteroid Smasher/ High-Definition Television.
It uses powerful...rays to disintegrate...eroids.
Now, how the hell can a TV cure hemorrhoids?
I said "asteroids. "
And why are you talking so darn slow?
I'm not. There's a delay in the transmission.
- If we don't find the ASHDTV... - Keep it on the road, spaceman.
...the Earth will be destroyed.
No, no, don't walk away!
The asteroid, which Spacelab has dubbed "the Hellstone"...
...is scheduled to smash into the Earth...
...obliterating the entire population, at midnight tonight.
An up-to-the-minute update, plus the post-apocalyptic weather forecast at 117.
Now, back to Grace and Will.
Grace, what do you think of my Halloween costume?
- What are you going as? - A butt pirate.
Mark my words, gentlemen.
Twenty years from now, we'll look back on that show with the same disgust...
...with which we remember Amos 'n' Andy.
And what is all the tacky stuff all over the fabulous TV?
It's not a TV, Gay Guy Lance.
It's our new god!
Oh, God. You people will worship anything.
- What do you mean, "you people"? - Whatever! Snip-snap!
Marco, will it answer our prayers?
Ask and it shall deliver unto thee.
TV god, I want porno bloopers.
Give it to me, baby, yeah.
- Oh, God, cut. - Damn it.
- Cut. - Holy crap.
- Debbie, that's you. - Oh, my God. I'm on television.
Wow, your boobs look so real.
They are real.
- Yeah, right. - Oh, my God. Look at that guy's--
Penis?
- What? - Did you say "a giant penis"?
No, I said a giant asteroid.
Because I thought you said penis.
How could a giant penis be hurtling toward Earth?
That's why I was like, "Penis?
- What's he talking about, giant penis?" - Who's got a giant penis?
- Nobody. - Hey, speak for yourself. What's up, ho?
Hi, I'm Space Debbie.
- Woman, I'm trying-- - Hey, stranger, check these out.
No, don't! We're in a vacuum!
- Oh, my God! - Damn it!
I made plans to hit that.
Look, are you sure you people don't have the ASHDTV?
Wait, did you say "ASHDTV"?
Yes.
Because I thought you said "vagina."
What? How could a vagina save the world from a giant asteroid?
That's why I was like, "Vagina?
What's he talking about, a vagina?"
- Who's got a vagina? - Nobody.
But I thought you said "penis.” see, instead of "asteroid."
Hey, stranger, check these out.
No, don't! We're in a vacuum!
Oh, my God!
Yeah. That is a terrible way to die.
No, what was he doing with boobs?
- Don't ask. - Damn.
Anyway, we got the ASHDTV.
- Are you serious? - That's what you said, right?
- Yes. - Because, it sounded like you said...
...you like penises better than ice cream.
- ASHDTV! - Yeah, we got that.
Trish took my lipstick.
And though we lay this good woman's body to rest...
...we take comfort in the knowledge that--
Grizzlebee's nachos just got cheesier!
Cowabunga!
Bring a notarized death certificate into Grizzlebee's...
...and receive a free order of salsa cookie bread. Dining room only.
Come on, let's go outside to play.
- Hold it right there, kids. - Hey, look. It's Claymore!
You don't wanna go outside, kids.
- You're gonna get raped by a clown. - Gosh...
...we weren't even thinking about anal rape.
That was the farthest thing from our minds.
But now that you say it, it makes perfect sense.
Hey, rich black guy who adopted me because my mom's a crackhead!
Wasabi! You feel me? Hesh Prince, baby!
As the asteroid enters Earth's gravitational field, it will accel--
Gay, gay. gay.
Somebody tell me how that's funny.
- He's gay. - Hey, is that gay fella doing stuff?
Damn, the whopcorn.
Damn it, it's all over me.
- What an idiot. - Okay, Sealab...
...we know you've got the ASHDTV.
Hey, who's that?
- Hey, spaceman. - Now, listen up.
All you have to do is take the ASHDTV to the surface...
-...point it at 19 degrees west longitude... - Talk about gay.
-...by 317 degrees-- - Change it.
- Look at the puppies. - Hey, I found some whopcorn.
- That's cat dooky. - Listen up, people.
- I just got off with Spacelab, and we need-- - Quinn, look. Puppies.
Look at that little fat one.
He's got a little belly, doesn't he?
Would you people shut the hell up?!
Hey, Quinn, I ate cat dooky.
Way to go, idiots!
All you had to do was point the damn TV at the asteroid...
...but I guess that was too much trouble.
Now it's too late, so have fun dying.
Hey, go back to the puppies.
30,000 miles per second.
Just moments away now.
What a bunch of freaking idiots. Now everybody's dead.
I'm not. Somehow, I'm still clinging--
Hey, check out the rack on Space Quinn!
Hi, everybody!
Delicious.
[ENGLISH]